For as long as I can remember, I played the cool, silent type. You know, that kind of mysterious, never know what she’s thinking, can’t help but fall in love with type of girl you wish you never knew. In smaller words, I was a heartbreaker.
And this is how you do it: say ‘okay’ to anything he wants. If he wants it to be all about sex, okay. If he wants to spend every day together with no titles, okay. If he has no idea yet, okay. It sounds like an amazing plan but accommodating various needs can be tricky — you can’t have any of your own.
I lied, cheated and manipulated my way through half-assed relationships until someone finally gave me a chance at something real. I had a taste of that suffocating, intolerable, ridiculously stupid, painful, forever disappointing part of love we all never wish upon anyone. And after all that, I still want it.
Too bad no one feels the same way. Am I the only one that came out of a bad relationship still wanting to be in one? Besides scaring off the entire male species, my job description isn’t very alluring at all. Who’s going to date a love guru? Surely not anyone with love issues himself.
Passing off the casual sex offers I usually would jump on, I understand why I’m kind of alone in this space. I’m not hurting off of my past experiences where I have to take it out on insignificant flings anymore. I’m not looking for someone I definitely don’t see a future with just so I can keep my distance. Everyone has a story. Most are recovering from brilliant life disappointments, and hardly any ever see the light.
So there goes my heartbreaking career. Instead, I’ll let you break my heart. It’s okay — better me than you.
my beautiful friend, please get out of my head. This is exactly what I’m feeling at this moment in time. Please keep writing body noise. I love every single post.