It’s funny how we psychoanalyze you’re best friends merely because of the fact that you know them better than anyone. But it’s always even weirder when you psychoanalyze yourself because of the fact that once you do, you diagnose yourself, actually discover what’s wrong with you, and at that moment it all becomes real. I reached my diagnosis a few weeks ago. I came to the conclusion that I don’t know exactly what it is that I want anymore — I don’t know whether I want to be in a solidified relationship, stay single, or screw all rules and soak up the eccentricities of one night stands and hooking up with people whom you hope to never see again.
These past few days I have been living it up at The Wyndham Resort in Palm Springs, California. There, in the desert were nights that never ended, zero-sobriety time, and conversations and moments that I’d wish to re-live over and over again. It was the perfect amount of time that I needed to get away from the swarm of boredom in the suburbs. And whilst in Palm Springs, like a doctor, I began to pull up each issue from the past that would help explain my ‘diagnosis’… In other words, open the ex-files and go through each relationship that I’ve ever been in that would explain what made me this way today. And that’s when it hit me, I’m the way I am because I’m still reeling from my previous relationship that was non-exclusive due to the fact that this girl was unattainable. She was someone that remained out of my reach.
The best part about living in Murrieta is leaving it. When I left, all I could do was think about the past (which is what I’ve been trying to get away from) that is now inevitably came back to bite me in the ass. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am the way I am now because of the fact that I don’t have the guts or even the motivation to actually go out and meet someone, take the time and actually be with somebody. That’s what I am missing.
At the end of many relationships, break-ups and etc., a man or a woman will leave a relationship in a different state-of-mind than he had while involved in the relationship. We change. If you get cheated on while you’re dating someone special, you’ll change and end up having a hard time trusting people. If you get dumped in three different relationships you’re going to have a hard time letting people in because your fears of them leaving you are unbearable.
Me? I was in the most toxic relationships ever. It was vial, poisonous and addicting. Day by day, I sunk deeper into those delirious red satin silky sheets… I didn’t come out of this trap for almost three years. Her name? In my mind, she’ll always be the girl who never agreed on exclusivity… But to the rest of the world she was known as Elle. During those grueling three years the only thing I ever desired is for her to factor me into her life. I was never a part of her life like I felt like I should have been. I was never able to get inside. It was almost as if she’d gone out and bought a Kevlar Protection Vest for love.
Monogamy wasn’t in her vocabulary — but I was hooked. And I always felt that it was me, that I had put on some type of Anti-Elle Repellent to ward her off of me. Those three years went by and we more were ‘on-and-off’ or ‘Back-and-Forth’ than celebrities are with rehab at the Betty Ford Clinic. Her charm worked easily like an aphrodisiac… and now? I’m the one who’s changed. My fear is this — I’ll never find a stable relationship because of the fact that I’m surrounded by dysfunctional relationships. After seeing every relationship around me fail, I ask my self… Is it even worth it?
–by Michael Elgin
